Jeremiah 1:5, Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee: and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
I actually wrote this a about a year ago, but for some reason, I feel like it should be shared.
Was going to try an write tonight. But my mind is garbled. Spent the past hour trying all I know to relax and find focus. Lost, just lost. A moment we all face sometimes. It is disheartening, as it goes against my faith. Human emotions are not clear cut. We need to understand that. Compassion from those we interact with is vital. But what about when we are alone. When we have no one. Yes I have God, yes I am talking to him. I am asking him to bring me peace. As a human even with faith. I have far to much knowledge of our nervous, bio-chemical and physiological as well as our psychological systems. Knowing that sometimes as a human, we have no control over our minds and emotions. The key is knowing triggers, and seeing them in time to put your self into a safe mode. Right now I feel like my soul is fighting with my body. Focus is gone, this is taking me a great deal of effort to put down. So why am I? Some say talk therapy is good, I say phooey. But there is value in expressing your situation. Even if you get noting out of it at the time. Maybe you help someone else in your time of troubles. We are all connected. What I say, do, feel effects those around me. Which effects those around them and so on. I do my best not to watch the news, and being on social media I see enough of what is going on.
My life I can’t say it enough has been HELL. When I watch, see and hear what is going on around us. I just want to Scream at the world. WAKE UP. As human nature has become self destructive and the tools have evolved to attack one another. When one is feeling down and left out. They lash out in very harmful ways. Often destroying not only their lives, but the lives around them. Then society cries foul, and wants the government to step in and do something. Like, mommy billy hit me. Instead of looking in the mirror to see why billy hit me. Yes sometimes things happen with no clear explanation as to why. But most wars, have a reason. I want power, and you fail to yield. Well guess what, as a child I lived in a very emotionally abusive home. The first time I wanted to kill myself for real I was around 8. Sorry but an 8 year old should not want to die. I was forbidden from having friends. So I had none. I was bullied in school far to often and as a result I often acted out. Very few teachers saw a deeper issue. The ones that did never spoke up for me. I never ever wanted to hurt anyone else. First, I knew that was wrong. Second and more importantly. I never wanted to share my pain in any capacity. I always felt acting out with violence would be transferring my pain onto others that did not deserve to feel it. I still feel that way. I ran would hide when ever bullied, when ever I was sad, scared. I would beg God to take me home to heaven. I still do a lot. I remember leaving heaven. I cried so much and asked God to not send me to earth. Before I was born, my mother was told I would not make the delivery alive. The battle between my soul and body started. It has been raging on ever since. As I was crowning, I was baptized and given last rights. My parent where RC. After the birth, the doctors where not sure what or how I made it. But claimed I was gravely ill and would not make to Easter. On Good Friday, they had written off my life and told my parents to take me home. So they and my sisters could have at least a day with me before I die. Story goes, Easter Sunday my health was rapidly improving against all odds.
God had plans for me on earth. My mom used to tell me, she prayed with all her heart for me to live. I never knew that mom. The one I knew was broken and often vile. Just as my father. They had moments of love. But those where sadly always over shadowed by their demons. By the time I was 2 I had 2 head traumas that I am aware of. Although lies had been formulated over the years about them. As a boy I had phenomena 2 or 3 times every time the doctors said not a good chance. I had chicken pox 3 times. Not like thats weird. I had lots of issues health wise. I missed lots of school. No friends, no social skills. Lots of reasons to be very angry, and to act out. I always felt like I had many enemies. Enough by todays society, I should have been a psychopath. See thats the thing. The issues of the world, are a direct reflection of who we see ourselves as. I hated life, and the world hated me. But I knew with out a doubt. Who God was, who Jesus is. Even being mad at God most of my life for sending me to earth. I always praise him, and I knew that my heart was like Jesus. Love, Love all no matter how they treat you. Why?
Life for so many is a true blessing. It lasts but a moment in time. Every human has a story, every person has a purpose. Every person has the God given right to be Loved.
How society has become is not God’s plan. But free will run a muck. How can children kill other children? HOW? I will tell you how. We as society, have removed God from the first day of life. Parents dont love or respect one another, they dont build a family of Love on the foundation of God. They never teach their kids about love with love. No gun ever killed a person. A empty, broken soul of a person kills. A person void of love.
When we allow ourselves to hate, we breed hate. We open the doors for evil acts. I am a Fucking Christian from before my earthly birth. God Fucking made me. I know his words, not from an earthly bound collection of stories. Passed on by generation. But I know Gods words from God. Guess what, 90% of what society tries to govern on how we live in the name of what is Holy. Is not of GOD. God is fucking LOVE. Yes, he is a vengeful God. When you cross him, well you find out. Yes he allows us free will and allows us to suffer the consequences there from. But He is all Merciful Loving and full of Grace. The discord we cause amongst ourselves breeds the death, the blood of our dead. Is on all of our hands. We are all stained with the sins of our brothers and sisters. It is our duty to our selves and to one another. To Respect, Love and Guide through life. When Man learns to walk Hand in Hand. Will the day come. That wars will end, violence will become history. Pain inflicted from one another will never be again.
Life, it fucking sucks if you ask me. But I know this. With Faith in God, and Jesus in your heart. You and I can live without fear.
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