Day #

pasjrwoctx/ January 10, 2014/ Short Stories/ 0 comments

Day #, O that really does not matter. Sitting in the dark typing hoping to hit the right keys, searching my heart to express my emotions. Anger out of frustrations often fill my facebook page. Lost, confused and emotionally drained leave me often with out correct forms of expression. Being 35, a straight single male with Bi-Polar is well to put it in the best light. Hell. My life has been turned upside down and ruined. My family has thrown me away, because for years no on knew what exactly was wrong with me. They had no way to justify my actions, no understanding how to constructively help me live a closer to normal life. Friends come and go, it always starts the same. Big deal you have issues, we all do. We can deal with it. Time how ever proves they can not. I understand they have lives, and time to be there for me in any capacity detracts from that. I actually have several things wrong with me, so you need labels I guess. Bi-Polar-PTSD-Sever Anxiety/Mood Disorder-Disasocation Disorder-ADD/ADHD and I am dyslexic. Yea Im kind of fucked, and what hurts more than the actual issues. Is dealing with them alone. Not having that one person who loves you no matter what, that can be strong for you when you can’t be. The person that will foster and encourage growth with out slamming reason you can not. I have some unique talents, dreams and abilities. Some because of my mental state, others just enhanced by it. But because I am I guess mental, I have nothing. No opportunity to make money, to ability to care for my self and no one next to me. Often I truly think those around me think, he’s just fucking around and playing games. Im not. Lately I have been changing, cycling and it scares me. I am not sure how long I can self regulate, before complete meltdown. Again.. I would so much enjoy the chance to get out and live life. To experience things, to have what I deserve. To use my talents to there fullest and to my advantage. I just wish I could find someone that could understand, I am just me. But there is a lot of pain inside, and a lot of aggravation along with confusion. Someone that would be able to help me grow and develop the life that would provide me with some much needed relief. I wish I could explain how I feel inside everyday. Its so bad, my mind prevents me. I sleep a lot, when I am up I am running marathons. Headaches so bad you pray for death. Why have I been given this life of hell? Why must I suffer so much? See you most likely have no clue how I feel, your just thinking. What a fucking moron. If only I was, life would be so much better……..

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